The atmosphere at the Faux News studio was electric, the results of first round of counting of votes was to be declared in a matter of minutes. It was a Sunday morning and everybody in the town of Malington were clinging to their TV sets. All exceedingly eager to know the results of the most anticipated election in the history of that town. Facing the camera was 'ace anchorwoman' Mayhem Killy, winner of Miss Malington in 2010, she had attended six week course in television anchoring; she was still learning her craft and the finer aspects of the English language. Also on board was commentator, author, syndicated columnist, logophile and former political consultant Crass Jackhammer. There were seven candidates in all, but the real contest was mainly between The General and The Economist.
“The General is a war monger. All through his campaign were
talks of invading Fictionistan. Do we really want another war in the mid-east? Our
country is war weary. Such shameful jingoism never works in the modern time.
The General is loud and blustering. People get turned off by such behavior. But worst of all he decided to skip the debate, that was suicidal. I don't know who is advising him” said
Jackhammer as he picked up his board and flashing it toward the cameras.
“Ah! the legendary board, that has explained us all how things
work.” said the Mayhem.
“We did our research and these are the issues that matter to
the voting public. First the economy, people want development, they want
jobs, and they want to see growth. They want a good life. It is time for The Economist. Do
you know he studied at the London School of Economics? He understands these
things and people see that” pontificated the expert as he guided Mayhem through
it all.
“Yes indeed, London is the place where the brightest and the
best go” she said flashing her famous smile.
“We have research polls that ask people the issues that matter
and what dictates their vote. The research clearly indicated that economy was
the main concern” said the expert smiling triumphantly.
“Absolutely, and that is why you are here to help us
understand what is going on. We will have more results after these words” said
the anchor as they went to commercial break.
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“…and we’re back with, talking elections where it seems The
Economist had taken the lead” said Mayhem
“We had speculated earlier about the possibility of…” said
Jackhammer when he was interrupted.
“Yes” cried Mayhem abruptly, her voice was known to get rather
shrill when she was excited. The
legendary board slipped through the thick fingers of an astonished Jackhammer who
did quite grasp the reason of the sudden outburst.
“We have our first results. It appears The General is winning.
He has taken a comfortable lead in the first round that of votes cast via post”
said the anchor looking towards the Jackhammer.
“Well” said the anchor thoughtfully, “I said it before and I said
it again. The main issue of our time is security. We have had several terror attacks in our country and the threat shows no sign of diminishing. The General, a former war hero, is the only
man who understand the region of Fictionistan which is a terror haven. The
people want to be safe and The General is the man for it. The Economist may
talk development all day, but what good is development when your life is in jeopardy. The General skipped the debate, in the mind of the voter this is a man of courage, who will not take crap from anybody. The way the debate anchor behaved with him was despicable and made that clear. That was masterful. This is the sort of toughness he will show with respect to terrorism”
He picked up his board and turned it
around, presented the issues that matter the most. At the top was the word ‘Security’.
“This is the primary issue that people voted for, then the economy and finally
the environment. The Economist promised to build bridge. But we live in a world
where maniacs want to blow up bridges. What are you going to do with a good infrastructure with no people, what good is job creation when there is nobody
left to employ. This is no conundrum” concluded Jackhammer
“Drums indeed. This drum beating that promised people safety has
won this election for The General. The first army personnel in the history of
Malington” said the anchor “you heard it first here and we know why. Thanks to
you sir“
“We have research polls that ask people the issues that matter
and what dictates their vote. The research clearly indicated that combating terrorism
was the main concern” said the expert smiling triumphantly.
“The ballots that were
counted were the postal votes only. The votes from the actual residents still
remain. But looking at this trend I do not think anything will change.” said
the anchor
“The General has led his army to victory, once again” said
Jackhammer.
“What do you think of the tone of The Economist?” asked the
anchor.
“Oh yes, that had a big impact, people do not like to be
talked down to. The Economist may have studied at Harvard but he has no right
to talk down to people. His elitism emanated from every word he breathed. You
respect the voter and they respect you by voting for you. A very simple concept
that was somehow lost on prodigious Mr. Economist. It clearly was his hubris that
people did not like” said the pundit.
“So correct about the bris. Being Jewish may have made a difference”
said the Mayhem the anchorwoman as she was signaled it was time for a
commercial break. “We will see you back after these words. But coming up next,
more analysis of the results and remember you heard it here first.
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“We’re back with our expert, the purveyor of research-now.com,
Professor Jackhammer himself” Jackhammer smiles rather triumphantly.
“How do you think the folks of Malington will take this
result?” asked the anchor
“Well, with relief, The Economist was never the man for them.
He lacked the charisma, his message was incoherent and he was arrogant” said
the expert. “The General on the other hand is a lively character full of…”
But before Jackhammer could utter another syllable, Mayhem
interrupted him. “This just in from the headquarters of the election commission
where counting is in progress, The Economist has now taken the lead. The have
begun counting votes from local residents.” said the anchor with a smile.
“The Economist, has always been a comeback kid. You know he
has a degree from Oxford. A bright man by all means. He has been at the top of
his game ever since he delivered that excellent speech at the convention.
People love confidence and that’s what The Economist has. People don’t like to
vote for their beer buddies. They want an expert who can get things done. Somebody
who knows his subject. He knows what he
want and he know clearly the direction that country needs to be taken.” said the
pundit as he picked up his board.
“What did I tell you,
now look here” he said turning his board and showing it to the cameras. “When people were
asked what they voted on, this was the order “First, the economy, the current
economy is soft, people want industries setup in Malington so that thousands
of people get jobs. The Economist promised that and that was the clincher. Then
we have the environment. The Economist promised to install air purifiers all
across the city. It will change everything. What the General promised is war.
We are already in deep debt. War will not take us anywhere. It will only contribute
to loss of life and spending of trillions. The General skipped the debate, that came across as cowardly and stupid. Why turn down a chance to voice your opinion when everybody is watching. A massive blunder by the General and as we predicted back then, The Economist benefited hugely.” said the pundit with triumphant
smile.
“We have research polls that ask people why they vote and whom
the vote for. The research clearly indicated that economy was the main concern.
The rest is superfluous” said the expert smiling triumphantly.
“I agree, this super victory of The Economist” said Mayhem as
it was announced that the Economist had won the elections.
"I told you, we are never wrong when it comes to research" said Jackhammer
"Yes sir! This is Mayhem signing off! Until the next time, stay well and feel well" said Mayhem and the program drew to a close.
"I told you, we are never wrong when it comes to research" said Jackhammer
"Yes sir! This is Mayhem signing off! Until the next time, stay well and feel well" said Mayhem and the program drew to a close.
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